The Ups and Downs of Bipolar

fukStopped taking latuda, lithium and zoloft cold turkey. Have not had Latuda for a week now, no lithium for two days, no zoloft for two days.

To be honest, the latuda was stopped because my insurance has decided that I really don’t need to get my shit at the pharmacy and I can just order my fucking latuda through the mail so consider this an experiment and also a go fuck yourself to my insurance.

Moving on, I’ve already noticed a massive change in my mood and energy levels. Sleep hasn’t been as necessary, though I haven’t been able to stop taking my ambien. Unfortunately, just stopping that cold turkey has caused a great deal of really bad nightmares and terrible sleep, so I’ve just had to give up on that.

I’ve also needed less food, though before anyone shits their pants, I’m 180 lbs and 5’2″ so it’s not like I’m going to die. My craving for ice cream, pizza and mountain dew is still firmly intact.

However, my urge to abscond to the gym and cross train has grown and I’m very sore. It does however help ease the odd anxiety and tension I keep feeling build up, as well as ease my temper, which has been flaring up a lot as well. I haven’t felt the urge to intentionally start any fights, though I had no issue with telling a coworker that he was full of horseshit, and also informed him that he needed to do his fucking job and stop vanishing to flirt with his eighteen thousand boyfriends. We have work to do and I want to get home on time, I ain’t got time for him to whisk himself off to the bathroom for a three year long dump.

I also have more energy to keep the apartment clean, and I’ll try to remember to take all the cans to the store tomorrow to recycle.

Paranoia is building though, and I can’t say I blame myself. Still feels like I’m being watched, woke up a few nights convinced someone was sneaking into my apartment. I feel like there’s someone in the door staring at me most days, especially when I’m in my bedroom, and when I drive it’s hard not to keep looking into the rear view mirror to make sure no one is following me.

It also feels like people talk about me at work without me knowing. And that maybe everyone wants me to fail or die or vanish or something. Found mild magical thinking in the form of moving my nine ringed jade sword into the northern corner of the house but that might just be me being a moron.

Have also noticed a growing obsession with germs. Nothing too major as I still apparently don’t give enough shits about it to not pick at scabs, my arms, burns or cuts, but enough so that every little itch and mild discomfort has me starting to wonder if I’m getting sick/am infected with something. Cat scratch on my left jaw is very itchy, as well as the scratch under my left ear. I’m not sure what catscratch fever starts with, but I do know I’ve googled what stomach/colon cancer symptoms and tape worm infestation symptoms look like. The doctor said I don’t have either of these issues but honestly the doctor doesn’t have my stomach.

Will update if anything fucking happens outside of this.


3 thoughts on “The Ups and Downs of Bipolar

    • I am worried, if I’m honest. To an extent at least. For now my increased energy has improved my output at work and I can weld and clean circles around my fatass lazy dick of a partner so I’ll take the bad temper for now. It also seems to have improved my ability to push through a full cross training session without deciding that sleeping and pizza is better. Usually I’m depressive.


      • When I was manic many years ago I blew through seven grand, traveled the state living out of hotels and resorts. Lost fifty pounds and looked sick, always convinced the fbi was spying on me and trying to hunt me down. I remember thinking turn signals and light signals were giving me signs of where to drive next. It took three involuntary pysch unit visits before I came down from it because the first two places thought I was releasable when in fact I knew how to play the game. Same with the third visit, but that is where I stuck with my meds after leaving. It took me a year after coming down from all that to pick up the pieces. Quit my job in the process of being manic. My point is while your mad at your insurance company now, it is not worth it. Please get back on meds.

        Liked by 2 people

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