Very sluggish this morning, nodded off several times while waiting for trucks to get to my part of the line. I held back on too much caffeine today, mostly water and sparkling water. Couldn’t help but binge on greasy food though. A pox upon me, I guess.
General apathy overall, though I welcome it more than raw emotional turmoil and losing my shit at everyone who breathes incorrectly. No one seemed to mind too much that I’d missed a days work yesterday, and I did have the foresight to call in in the middle of my panic.
House needs cleaning again, odd smell in it that I’m not fond of. I should be trying to get to sleep earlier but sleep is something I’ve never enjoyed attempting to get, and for some reason I sleep better in midday than midnight. I say this with the full knowledge that while I fall asleep faster while the sun is up, I have a billion more nightmares due to the lack of ambien in my system.
No dreams that I remember to report on, which I vastly prefer. Even if it’s because I’m too heavily rugged to recall it, I’d rather not remember whatever horror show my brain decides to play for me. I recall one recent night I tried to sleep without ambien, and I was treated to a forest of shuffling, moaning, giant faceless beings, chanting together in a monotone voice. I watched two women be impaled on silver spikes, so that the tips shot from their necks and mouths. It was grainy and gray, like a bad webcam, or a really shitty old movie, but all that matters was I woke up mortified. Rather, I had to wake up several times, as I couldn’t tell when I was awake or not. Sometimes I’d stumble out of bed to find something scraping at my apartment door, trying to get in, other times I’d wake and see something shuffling outside my bedroom window, staring at me with beady, white eyes.
The sense of being watched keeps growing. I kept whirling around at work to face someone that was never there, because I was so sure someone was walking up behind me. A hoist beam would move and momentarily block out the light, and I’d assume one of my bigger partners was looming over me.
Hopefully some sleep and the usual dose of medications will help.
Hope to write more tomorrow.