Bland

i-tried

Sometimes I wonder if the medications work too well. I should be beside myself with worry and anxiety right now; my grandfather is in the hospital about to get a triple bypass surgery due to blockages in his arteries. I should be terrified, right? In constant contact with him and my grandmother and my mom and dad right?

And yet here I am, rolling through tumblr like nothing is wrong.

Same thing when I found out a beloved childhood teacher of mine was accused of sexual misconduct. Nothing. Just “Oh, how terrible.” and then I move on with life. Is this normal? Is this how normal people feel when these things happen? A mild moment of discomfort and then pressing on with life in general?

A few months ago I’d barely be keeping it together. I’d be a sobbing, miserable wreck. I’d be a complete mess of a person. Yet here I am… kind of just not effected. I’m more worried about the fact that my fridge is still broken and I’ve yet again given myself mild food poisoning from eating food that I can’t store in it.

Is this normal? Sometimes I wonder if I even know what normalcy really is anymore. If this is what stability feels like and not just a total lack of feeling altogether. I sat through thanksgiving pretty calmly, I joked around with my friend as usual, I just don’t feel… things like I used to.

As strongly as I used to.

I’m not sure if I should be happy about this as it’s a sign of the medication working, or concerned as it’s a sign of it working too well. Everything is better in moderation of course, but it almost feels like it’s toned things down far too much.

I guess I’ll have to take this to the doctor.

Not seeing things out of the corners of my eyes anymore, and the feeling of being watched has finally passed after several weeks. If my strange static mood is related to this, I don’t know if I’ll ever want to fix it. Maybe I’d just as soon rather be boring. Boring and stable instead of interesting and constantly falling apart.

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