Sometimes I wonder if the medications work too well. I should be beside myself with worry and anxiety right now; my grandfather is in the hospital about to get a triple bypass surgery due to blockages in his arteries. I should be terrified, right? In constant contact with him and my grandmother and my mom and dad right?
And yet here I am, rolling through tumblr like nothing is wrong.
Same thing when I found out a beloved childhood teacher of mine was accused of sexual misconduct. Nothing. Just “Oh, how terrible.” and then I move on with life. Is this normal? Is this how normal people feel when these things happen? A mild moment of discomfort and then pressing on with life in general?
A few months ago I’d barely be keeping it together. I’d be a sobbing, miserable wreck. I’d be a complete mess of a person. Yet here I am… kind of just not effected. I’m more worried about the fact that my fridge is still broken and I’ve yet again given myself mild food poisoning from eating food that I can’t store in it.
Is this normal? Sometimes I wonder if I even know what normalcy really is anymore. If this is what stability feels like and not just a total lack of feeling altogether. I sat through thanksgiving pretty calmly, I joked around with my friend as usual, I just don’t feel… things like I used to.
As strongly as I used to.
I’m not sure if I should be happy about this as it’s a sign of the medication working, or concerned as it’s a sign of it working too well. Everything is better in moderation of course, but it almost feels like it’s toned things down far too much.
I guess I’ll have to take this to the doctor.
Not seeing things out of the corners of my eyes anymore, and the feeling of being watched has finally passed after several weeks. If my strange static mood is related to this, I don’t know if I’ll ever want to fix it. Maybe I’d just as soon rather be boring. Boring and stable instead of interesting and constantly falling apart.
Still having money problems. I just can’t seem to stop spending it the moment I get it. I even tried not to spend all that much this time but instead ended up spending all of it because I was behind a payment with my car. Rather than lose my car, I’ll take being penniless for another week.
I’m still behind a payment with my rent, hopefully I’ll have that squared away by December, and at least I know for a fact I have about 120 dollars coming for me from selling some of my artwork.
Fridge is still broken, land lord wont listen to me, maybe I’d be more inclined to keep up on rent if my food was still edible and my floor wasn’t oozing water. But I have the cheap room so when I complain that doesn’t mean shit I guess.
Work is going fine now that I’ve been moved, and I’ve even begun to repair bad welds on tractors that pass by me and weld on right hand attachments. It could be better, but it could also be worse. I’ve at least learned how to not spend so much money on food for the week (considering the fridge is broken, it’s hard not to save money since all I can buy is dry single serve foods).
Maybe next week my land lord will remember that my fridge is broken. For now, happy thanksgiving. I have to wake up early tomorrow so I can put my face on and go visit relatives. It should be fun if there’s things to drink there other than wine. I have no idea why no one brings soda to parties in my family anymore.
It was a goodish weekend, save for the looming fact that I’m a payment behind on my bills. I need to buy snow tires and it’s a slushy icy mess outside, but at least my turkey I was cooking came out well.
The book of positive reinforcement is going well too, though I didn’t write in it at all this weekend. I hope I remember it tomorrow. I’m not sleeping as much as I used to, I’m definitely getting up earlier and sleeping less deeply now that I’ve cut my ambien in half. I’d like to hope this is an indication of remission, rather than a sign that I’m heading towards mania. As you all might have noticed, I got terrifically drunk the night prior.
I was quietly, one person, celebrating a recent move I made in the shop to a more work heavy section, where even if I’m not doing welding 100% of the time, I’m still welding 100% more than I usually would be had I been working in the station I’m usually at. Hopefully I’ll finally get to show everyone that I don’t suck at my job and that I’m a decent goddamn welder.
Someone bought some of my artwork for $120 dollars, and that’s going directly towards getting me some new tires for my car. I can only hope that I can get all four new tires by this wednesday, even if I don’t get my money from the art by then. Hopefully this new ‘saving money’ trend will keep going and I’ll feel less inclined to blow every cent I have on useless stupid shit like paid icon time and personal art of characters I’ve made up.
I’d really like to be able to buy at least a few christmas presents this month or this coming month.
Hopefully things will stay pretty normal as long as I keep up with the medication regimen.
Keeping a journal of what I did right and wrong through the day seems like a good idea so far, but it’s only the second day in so I might just be excited about trying out a new little coming home ritual. I’m trying to write something encouraging in it every time I fill in another day, no matter how good or bad the day was. This will be hard on the days where I had a really bad afternoon and I feel like the dumbest, grossest, ugliest person alive, but I think it might help boost my confidence levels and my self image.
Also listening to meditations at night as I sleep to… I don’t know, influence feelings of success I guess. It’s not keeping me from going to sleep so I don’t see any reason to not listen to slowed down dubstep being played over the image of a dollar bill.
Can’t hurt me except if someone comes into my room and asks me what the fuck I’m listening to, I can’t lie that well.
It was a pretty good day today, if you can’t tell by how rational I sound right now. No major fuck ups, I took my job nice and slow, did everything one step at a time. I’ve taken to chalking a piece every time I do something to it, so I remember that I inspected it, and it passed inspection during that round. Touch everything, touch it a lot. Touch it until someone asks you uncomfortable questions about your relationship with that particular piece. Whatever it takes to make sure you don’t mess it up. I need to remember that I don’t work in retail anymore, and that speed isn’t key, it’s quality.
No one expects me to make a million pieces in a day. No one is breathing down my neck demanding I produce more product in less time. I can pull off about seven jobs in a day if I apply myself and pick which ones I do well, and I can do it without rushing.
I really hope I never cry at work ever again for any other reason other than I smashed my whole hand in something. Knock on wood.
It’s been a fairly good two weeks. My Latuda was upped to 60 mg, and I was told to start cutting back on ambien. This would be an easier transition if the roof wasn’t being worked on, and every morning I had to wake up at the ass crack of dawn after staying up until 3 AM because the roofers can only get shingles off by riverdancing on the roof while juggling sledgehammers.
I don’t know how roofing works, I’m not a roof scientist.
Work is still occasionally stressful what with first shift Captain Buttfuck McJizzbreath booby trapping everything for me on second and hiding parts I need to complete the job. He decided to leave me a nasty letter on the computer today telling me where I can and cannot put completed parts.
If I see something on it tomorrow about not leaving him an open pallet I’m gonna find his locker and shit in it. Fucker didn’t leave me any pallets this afternoon and I was gracious enough to have four dropped off, all he has to do is call a trucker.
Fucking goateed vagina mouthed assnugget.
Lithium is going steady, no more zoloft, the doctor was considering adding prozac but I’m kind of hoping he doesn’t do it if only because I don’t want to live my life in fast forward.
Roof is no longer leaking, car payments are to date, I just have to make it to thursday to pay off the last bit of my car insurance for the month and I should be okay. Energy levels are pretty low though considering I haven’t been getting a lot of sleep.
Lack of the usual dose of ambien has caused nightmares, mostly about being stalked or watched. I’d really rather not drag my needless paranoia into all of my dreams, I’d like night night sleepy time to be a time devoted to either being blacked out or flying.