Bland

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i-tried

Sometimes I wonder if the medications work too well. I should be beside myself with worry and anxiety right now; my grandfather is in the hospital about to get a triple bypass surgery due to blockages in his arteries. I should be terrified, right? In constant contact with him and my grandmother and my mom and dad right?

And yet here I am, rolling through tumblr like nothing is wrong.

Same thing when I found out a beloved childhood teacher of mine was accused of sexual misconduct. Nothing. Just “Oh, how terrible.” and then I move on with life. Is this normal? Is this how normal people feel when these things happen? A mild moment of discomfort and then pressing on with life in general?

A few months ago I’d barely be keeping it together. I’d be a sobbing, miserable wreck. I’d be a complete mess of a person. Yet here I am… kind of just not effected. I’m more worried about the fact that my fridge is still broken and I’ve yet again given myself mild food poisoning from eating food that I can’t store in it.

Is this normal? Sometimes I wonder if I even know what normalcy really is anymore. If this is what stability feels like and not just a total lack of feeling altogether. I sat through thanksgiving pretty calmly, I joked around with my friend as usual, I just don’t feel… things like I used to.

As strongly as I used to.

I’m not sure if I should be happy about this as it’s a sign of the medication working, or concerned as it’s a sign of it working too well. Everything is better in moderation of course, but it almost feels like it’s toned things down far too much.

I guess I’ll have to take this to the doctor.

Not seeing things out of the corners of my eyes anymore, and the feeling of being watched has finally passed after several weeks. If my strange static mood is related to this, I don’t know if I’ll ever want to fix it. Maybe I’d just as soon rather be boring. Boring and stable instead of interesting and constantly falling apart.

Money

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Still having money problems.  I just can’t seem to stop spending it the moment I get it. I even tried not to spend all that much this time but instead ended up spending all of it because I was behind a payment with my car. Rather than lose my car, I’ll take being penniless for another week.

I’m still behind a payment with my rent, hopefully I’ll have that squared away by December, and at least I know for a fact I have about 120 dollars coming for me from selling some of my artwork.

Fridge is still broken, land lord wont listen to me, maybe I’d be more inclined to keep up on rent if my food was still edible and my floor wasn’t oozing water. But I have the cheap room so when I complain that doesn’t mean shit I guess.

Work is going fine now that I’ve been moved, and I’ve even begun to repair bad welds on tractors that pass by me and weld on right hand attachments. It could be better, but it could also be worse. I’ve at least learned how to not spend so much money on food for the week (considering the fridge is broken, it’s hard not to save money since all I can buy is dry single serve foods).

Maybe next week my land lord will remember that my fridge is broken. For now, happy thanksgiving. I have to wake up early tomorrow so I can put my face on and go visit relatives. It should be fun if there’s things to drink there other than wine. I have no idea why no one brings soda to parties in my family anymore.

Keep going

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leo

It was a goodish weekend, save for the looming fact that I’m a payment behind on my bills. I need to buy snow tires and it’s a slushy icy mess outside, but at least my turkey I was cooking came out well.

The book of positive reinforcement is going well too, though I didn’t write in it at all this weekend. I hope I remember it tomorrow. I’m not sleeping as much as I used to, I’m definitely getting up earlier and sleeping less deeply now that I’ve cut my ambien in half. I’d like to hope this is an indication of remission, rather than a sign that I’m heading towards mania. As you all might have noticed, I got terrifically drunk the night prior.

I was quietly, one person, celebrating a recent move I made in the shop to a more work heavy section, where even if I’m not doing welding 100% of the time, I’m still welding 100% more than I usually would be had I been working in the station I’m usually at. Hopefully I’ll finally get to show everyone that I don’t suck at my job and that I’m a decent goddamn welder.

Someone bought some of my artwork for $120 dollars, and that’s going directly towards getting me some new tires for my car. I can only hope that I can get all four new tires by this wednesday, even if I don’t get my money from the art by then. Hopefully this new ‘saving money’ trend will keep going and I’ll feel less inclined to blow every cent I have on useless stupid shit like paid icon time and personal art of characters I’ve made up.

I’d really like to be able to buy at least a few christmas presents this month or this coming month.

Hopefully things will stay pretty normal as long as I keep up with the medication regimen.

One foot in front of the other

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Keeping a journal of what I did right and wrong through the day seems like a good idea so far, but it’s only the second day in so I might just be excited about trying out a new little coming home ritual. I’m trying to write something encouraging in it every time I fill in another day, no matter how good or bad the day was. This will be hard on the days where I had a really bad afternoon and I feel like the dumbest, grossest, ugliest person alive, but I think it might help boost my confidence levels and my self image.

Also listening to meditations at night as I sleep to… I don’t know, influence feelings of success I guess. It’s not keeping me from going to sleep so I don’t see any reason to not listen to slowed down dubstep being played over the image of a dollar bill.

Can’t hurt me except if someone comes into my room and asks me what the fuck I’m listening to, I can’t lie that well.

It was a pretty good day today, if you can’t tell by how rational I sound right now. No major fuck ups, I took my job nice and slow, did everything one step at a time. I’ve taken to chalking a piece every time I do something to it, so I remember that I inspected it, and it passed inspection during that round. Touch everything, touch it a lot. Touch it until someone asks you uncomfortable questions about your relationship with that particular piece. Whatever it takes to make sure you don’t mess it up. I need to remember that I don’t work in retail anymore, and that speed isn’t key, it’s quality.

No one expects me to make a million pieces in a day. No one is breathing down my neck demanding I produce more product in less time. I can pull off about seven jobs in a day if I apply myself and pick which ones I do well, and I can do it without rushing.

I really hope I never cry at work ever again for any other reason other than I smashed my whole hand in something. Knock on wood.

Tears

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Cried at work in front of my boss because I fucked up a job for the sixteen millionth time. I don’t think I’ve ever had a boss do a 180 from scolding to bad jokes to try and make me laugh. Being the only girl on second shift has its perks… in a really shitty way. I tried to make jokes about it for the rest of the day but I still felt pretty shitty.

There is no crying in welding.

I’ve spent most of my evening listening to prosperity and success meditations, and today I started a hand written journal of my fuck ups and my good days. Just to keep track of the difference between the two and try to weed out the bad days. Maybe if I put my life in perspective like that, things won’t seem as dire. No one really made a big deal out of the messed up parts, and everyone told me it happens and I need to relax.

Taking half a pill of Ambien at night, been doing it for almost two weeks. The transition (supported by my doctor) to a lower dose of Ambien would be a lot easier if this roofing shit wasn’t happening. I woke up to the sound of pneumatic tools and nail guns, and I was pretty close to climbing out of my bed to try and scream at everyone outside my window. But that leak needs to go away, and the roofers are pretty nice guys, so I just jammed a pillow over my head and tossed and turned until it was time to take the dog out and feed the cats.

Potato the kitten is obsessed with food right now, and keeps trying to steal it from the other animals and me despite me filling her bowl up to the top. She won’t even finish her food, she’s too busy trying to steal everyone elses. I lose my temper at her sometimes and it makes me upset to think that I even get angry at her. I really need to work on getting more sleep and straightening things out at work.

Still, I’ve had more clarity these past few days thanks to the drug increase than I have for a few months now, I’d like to think. I’m still seeing shadows in the corners of my vision at work, but at this point, it’s fewer and further between, and when it does happens I feel less alarmed and more just bored of them. Maybe it’s a depressive downturn, I’ve just been feeling terribly apathetic the past week. Then again, nothing (other than the election) really big has happened to either elate me or depress me, and I still don’t feel like I’m too fucked up about American politics right now.

I’m going to try and make it a habit of doing something before I leave for work to wake me up, whether it be a walk, or some drawing. No video games or computer stuff, that tends to just dull me. I should probably start taking Abby for walks before work, some exercise might shake the cobwebs out of my brain before I leave for the shop, and it might result in less mistakes.

Back to the Point

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It’s been a fairly good two weeks. My Latuda was upped to 60 mg, and I was told to start cutting back on ambien. This would be an easier transition if the roof wasn’t being worked on, and every morning I had to wake up at the ass crack of dawn after staying up until 3 AM because the roofers can only get shingles off by riverdancing on the roof while juggling sledgehammers.

I don’t know how roofing works, I’m not a roof scientist.

Work is still occasionally stressful what with first shift Captain Buttfuck McJizzbreath booby trapping everything for me on second and hiding parts I need to complete the job. He decided to leave me a nasty letter on the computer today telling me where I can and cannot put completed parts.

If I see something on it tomorrow about not leaving him an open pallet I’m gonna find his locker and shit in it. Fucker didn’t leave me any pallets this afternoon and I was gracious enough to have four dropped off, all he has to do is call a trucker.

Fucking goateed vagina mouthed assnugget.

Lithium is going steady, no more zoloft, the doctor was considering adding prozac but I’m kind of hoping he doesn’t do it if only because I don’t want to live my life in fast forward.

Roof is no longer leaking, car payments are to date, I just have to make it to thursday to pay off the last bit of my car insurance for the month and I should be okay. Energy levels are pretty low though considering I haven’t been getting a lot of sleep.

Lack of the usual dose of ambien has caused nightmares, mostly about being stalked or watched. I’d really rather not drag my needless paranoia into all of my dreams, I’d like night night sleepy time to be a time devoted to either being blacked out or flying.

Shit

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Violent downturn.

Last few days, I’ve been seeing shadows in the corners of my vision. Small, humped things, just moving right out of my range of sight. I thought it was just my cats until they followed me to my parents house. I could see them moving in the mirror in front of the bathroom door.

 

I never feel alone.

Its like something is standing behind me just watching me, all the time. In the shower, at work, in the car, even while I sit and relax in my house. I’m afraid to ask my landlord to repair my lock because I’m worried he’ll demand more money from me, or ask why I’ve been paying my bill mid month rather than the beginning. I know what the thing that lives in my house looks like too. I saw it when I first moved in, I forget if I mentioned it before.

 

It’s all black, sort of 2 dimensional and shapeless. Its eyes are white with just a dot in the center for a pupil, and I remember it had straight, white, flat teeth. It said hello before it vanished, and it feels like this is the thing that’s watching me. I can feel something at work watching me too, I can see things moving behind me in the reflection of my helmet lens and my goggles. I feel like people have been actively trying to sabotage me, which has been mostly proven true after my boss and I found that the robot I work on was rigged to weld on its own fixtures, and that the first shift employee that works there has been hiding parts, tools and papers on me.

I feel like I really want to hurt him. Since it’s his fault that I almost destroyed a fixture and couldn’t complete work, and that now I have to be moved to a new area so I can actually get work done without him sticking his fucking penis in it because he’s a fuck headed dick stick who deserves to be hit by a plane.

I haven’t drank until I’m drunk for 2 years, and the same goes for popping sleep pills, but I really want to, even if the Christian Brothers I have in the house tastes like bad decisions and liquified ass. I’m getting internet drama over a roleplay scenario that hasn’t even fully happened yet, everyone around me is acting like a child, my cats smashed a jar of happy childhood memories yesterday while I was in the shower, as well as smashed a rose lamp that I had, and I feel like everything is crumbling around me and breaking.

I’m 215 dollars shy of being up to date on my car payments, i’m always behind on fucking insurance because of the fact i was a drugged up assfuck and smashed my car and got speeding tickets so many times that my agency has shot my bill up to 265 dollars a month because i guess when you’re a fucked up mental case who cant hold a job youre swimming in money.

i kind of just want to vanish into the house. there’s a leak in the ceiling and it looks like someone set a giant coffee mug down on my roof and left it there and im scared to ask the landlord to fix that too because hell just ask for money i dont have.