Tears

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Cried at work in front of my boss because I fucked up a job for the sixteen millionth time. I don’t think I’ve ever had a boss do a 180 from scolding to bad jokes to try and make me laugh. Being the only girl on second shift has its perks… in a really shitty way. I tried to make jokes about it for the rest of the day but I still felt pretty shitty.

There is no crying in welding.

I’ve spent most of my evening listening to prosperity and success meditations, and today I started a hand written journal of my fuck ups and my good days. Just to keep track of the difference between the two and try to weed out the bad days. Maybe if I put my life in perspective like that, things won’t seem as dire. No one really made a big deal out of the messed up parts, and everyone told me it happens and I need to relax.

Taking half a pill of Ambien at night, been doing it for almost two weeks. The transition (supported by my doctor) to a lower dose of Ambien would be a lot easier if this roofing shit wasn’t happening. I woke up to the sound of pneumatic tools and nail guns, and I was pretty close to climbing out of my bed to try and scream at everyone outside my window. But that leak needs to go away, and the roofers are pretty nice guys, so I just jammed a pillow over my head and tossed and turned until it was time to take the dog out and feed the cats.

Potato the kitten is obsessed with food right now, and keeps trying to steal it from the other animals and me despite me filling her bowl up to the top. She won’t even finish her food, she’s too busy trying to steal everyone elses. I lose my temper at her sometimes and it makes me upset to think that I even get angry at her. I really need to work on getting more sleep and straightening things out at work.

Still, I’ve had more clarity these past few days thanks to the drug increase than I have for a few months now, I’d like to think. I’m still seeing shadows in the corners of my vision at work, but at this point, it’s fewer and further between, and when it does happens I feel less alarmed and more just bored of them. Maybe it’s a depressive downturn, I’ve just been feeling terribly apathetic the past week. Then again, nothing (other than the election) really big has happened to either elate me or depress me, and I still don’t feel like I’m too fucked up about American politics right now.

I’m going to try and make it a habit of doing something before I leave for work to wake me up, whether it be a walk, or some drawing. No video games or computer stuff, that tends to just dull me. I should probably start taking Abby for walks before work, some exercise might shake the cobwebs out of my brain before I leave for the shop, and it might result in less mistakes.

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