Keep going



It was a goodish weekend, save for the looming fact that I’m a payment behind on my bills. I need to buy snow tires and it’s a slushy icy mess outside, but at least my turkey I was cooking came out well.

The book of positive reinforcement is going well too, though I didn’t write in it at all this weekend. I hope I remember it tomorrow. I’m not sleeping as much as I used to, I’m definitely getting up earlier and sleeping less deeply now that I’ve cut my ambien in half. I’d like to hope this is an indication of remission, rather than a sign that I’m heading towards mania. As you all might have noticed, I got terrifically drunk the night prior.

I was quietly, one person, celebrating a recent move I made in the shop to a more work heavy section, where even if I’m not doing welding 100% of the time, I’m still welding 100% more than I usually would be had I been working in the station I’m usually at. Hopefully I’ll finally get to show everyone that I don’t suck at my job and that I’m a decent goddamn welder.

Someone bought some of my artwork for $120 dollars, and that’s going directly towards getting me some new tires for my car. I can only hope that I can get all four new tires by this wednesday, even if I don’t get my money from the art by then. Hopefully this new ‘saving money’ trend will keep going and I’ll feel less inclined to blow every cent I have on useless stupid shit like paid icon time and personal art of characters I’ve made up.

I’d really like to be able to buy at least a few christmas presents this month or this coming month.

Hopefully things will stay pretty normal as long as I keep up with the medication regimen.


One foot in front of the other



Keeping a journal of what I did right and wrong through the day seems like a good idea so far, but it’s only the second day in so I might just be excited about trying out a new little coming home ritual. I’m trying to write something encouraging in it every time I fill in another day, no matter how good or bad the day was. This will be hard on the days where I had a really bad afternoon and I feel like the dumbest, grossest, ugliest person alive, but I think it might help boost my confidence levels and my self image.

Also listening to meditations at night as I sleep to… I don’t know, influence feelings of success I guess. It’s not keeping me from going to sleep so I don’t see any reason to not listen to slowed down dubstep being played over the image of a dollar bill.

Can’t hurt me except if someone comes into my room and asks me what the fuck I’m listening to, I can’t lie that well.

It was a pretty good day today, if you can’t tell by how rational I sound right now. No major fuck ups, I took my job nice and slow, did everything one step at a time. I’ve taken to chalking a piece every time I do something to it, so I remember that I inspected it, and it passed inspection during that round. Touch everything, touch it a lot. Touch it until someone asks you uncomfortable questions about your relationship with that particular piece. Whatever it takes to make sure you don’t mess it up. I need to remember that I don’t work in retail anymore, and that speed isn’t key, it’s quality.

No one expects me to make a million pieces in a day. No one is breathing down my neck demanding I produce more product in less time. I can pull off about seven jobs in a day if I apply myself and pick which ones I do well, and I can do it without rushing.

I really hope I never cry at work ever again for any other reason other than I smashed my whole hand in something. Knock on wood.