Tears

Cried at work in front of my boss because I fucked up a job for the sixteen millionth time. I don’t think I’ve ever had a boss do a 180 from scolding to bad jokes to try and make me laugh. Being the only girl on second shift has its perks… in a really shitty way. I tried to make jokes about it for the rest of the day but I still felt pretty shitty.

There is no crying in welding.

I’ve spent most of my evening listening to prosperity and success meditations, and today I started a hand written journal of my fuck ups and my good days. Just to keep track of the difference between the two and try to weed out the bad days. Maybe if I put my life in perspective like that, things won’t seem as dire. No one really made a big deal out of the messed up parts, and everyone told me it happens and I need to relax.

Taking half a pill of Ambien at night, been doing it for almost two weeks. The transition (supported by my doctor) to a lower dose of Ambien would be a lot easier if this roofing shit wasn’t happening. I woke up to the sound of pneumatic tools and nail guns, and I was pretty close to climbing out of my bed to try and scream at everyone outside my window. But that leak needs to go away, and the roofers are pretty nice guys, so I just jammed a pillow over my head and tossed and turned until it was time to take the dog out and feed the cats.

Potato the kitten is obsessed with food right now, and keeps trying to steal it from the other animals and me despite me filling her bowl up to the top. She won’t even finish her food, she’s too busy trying to steal everyone elses. I lose my temper at her sometimes and it makes me upset to think that I even get angry at her. I really need to work on getting more sleep and straightening things out at work.

Still, I’ve had more clarity these past few days thanks to the drug increase than I have for a few months now, I’d like to think. I’m still seeing shadows in the corners of my vision at work, but at this point, it’s fewer and further between, and when it does happens I feel less alarmed and more just bored of them. Maybe it’s a depressive downturn, I’ve just been feeling terribly apathetic the past week. Then again, nothing (other than the election) really big has happened to either elate me or depress me, and I still don’t feel like I’m too fucked up about American politics right now.

I’m going to try and make it a habit of doing something before I leave for work to wake me up, whether it be a walk, or some drawing. No video games or computer stuff, that tends to just dull me. I should probably start taking Abby for walks before work, some exercise might shake the cobwebs out of my brain before I leave for the shop, and it might result in less mistakes.

Shit

Violent downturn.

Last few days, I’ve been seeing shadows in the corners of my vision. Small, humped things, just moving right out of my range of sight. I thought it was just my cats until they followed me to my parents house. I could see them moving in the mirror in front of the bathroom door.

 

I never feel alone.

Its like something is standing behind me just watching me, all the time. In the shower, at work, in the car, even while I sit and relax in my house. I’m afraid to ask my landlord to repair my lock because I’m worried he’ll demand more money from me, or ask why I’ve been paying my bill mid month rather than the beginning. I know what the thing that lives in my house looks like too. I saw it when I first moved in, I forget if I mentioned it before.

 

It’s all black, sort of 2 dimensional and shapeless. Its eyes are white with just a dot in the center for a pupil, and I remember it had straight, white, flat teeth. It said hello before it vanished, and it feels like this is the thing that’s watching me. I can feel something at work watching me too, I can see things moving behind me in the reflection of my helmet lens and my goggles. I feel like people have been actively trying to sabotage me, which has been mostly proven true after my boss and I found that the robot I work on was rigged to weld on its own fixtures, and that the first shift employee that works there has been hiding parts, tools and papers on me.

I feel like I really want to hurt him. Since it’s his fault that I almost destroyed a fixture and couldn’t complete work, and that now I have to be moved to a new area so I can actually get work done without him sticking his fucking penis in it because he’s a fuck headed dick stick who deserves to be hit by a plane.

I haven’t drank until I’m drunk for 2 years, and the same goes for popping sleep pills, but I really want to, even if the Christian Brothers I have in the house tastes like bad decisions and liquified ass. I’m getting internet drama over a roleplay scenario that hasn’t even fully happened yet, everyone around me is acting like a child, my cats smashed a jar of happy childhood memories yesterday while I was in the shower, as well as smashed a rose lamp that I had, and I feel like everything is crumbling around me and breaking.

I’m 215 dollars shy of being up to date on my car payments, i’m always behind on fucking insurance because of the fact i was a drugged up assfuck and smashed my car and got speeding tickets so many times that my agency has shot my bill up to 265 dollars a month because i guess when you’re a fucked up mental case who cant hold a job youre swimming in money.

i kind of just want to vanish into the house. there’s a leak in the ceiling and it looks like someone set a giant coffee mug down on my roof and left it there and im scared to ask the landlord to fix that too because hell just ask for money i dont have.

GUESS WHAT HAPPENED

 

“OH WE’RE SORRY. YOUR INSURANCE DOESN’T COVER LITHIUM UNLESS IT’S MAIL ORDER. HAHAHAHAHA”

eat my ass i will pee on everything you love.

I finally made the call to the insurance supported med delivery bullshit place, gonna call my doctor tomorrow and ask her to fax my scripts to them, then cross my fingers and pray that nothing interesting can be made out of lithium and latuda like… hyper death meth or super crack, so I can get it out of my mailbox without being shot or mugged.

THIS IS SUCH A GOOD IDEA I AM SO GLAD WE INVENTED MAIL ORDERING IMPORTANT CHEMICALS THROUGH STANDARD SHIPPING. TRULY,  WE ARE THE SMARTEST SPECIES.

im pretty sure my shitty little dog could run an insurance agency better.

So guess what I’ve been dealing with? The assumption that my coworkers are talking about me behind my back and hate me, and that they are conspiring against me. That’s stupid, right? That’s so stupid-

Until it feels super actually really true, and you can hear them laughing as you walk back inside because you wore your welder shirt today and because you operate the robot you’re not a real welder so they think you’re just some dumb ugly poser and no one likes you and your friend doesn’t talk to you anymore because you’ve only got that one friend and your doctor is just being paid to be nice to you and probably doesn’t give a shit because she sees like 18 billion people like whatever who cares.

If I wasn’t a mentally unstable wreck with high taste in alcohol I’d drink the rest of the Christian Brothers Brandy to wash down my ambien. As it is, I cleaned my house, scooped the litter, fed the pets and put real food in my face that wasn’t bought from a vending machine.

I feel like I deserve money for waking the fuck up today.

Writer vs Landlord round 1

One more indication that I’m starting to relinquish whatever control I had over my feelings: losing my shit at my landlord.

Now, one might think ‘well, that’s uncalled for’ and ‘you need to be nice to the people you rent from’ and unto that I will reply you can suck my dick.

My paraphrased conversation was as follows:

“This is apartment 4 on state street, my internet company said the house phone lines are damaged, is there something we can do?”

UNTO WHICH THE ANSWER WAS

VERBATUM

“That’s >>internet company’s<< problem”

u wot m8

No. No bitch. It’s your problem. That’s your little phone box attached to the house, with your house wires in it that your house rats chewed through and its your duty to fix that shit so that I can pay my bills and not have to fork over 200+ dollars a month to use my phone as a hotspot. Your problem. Yours. Tu problemo.

I know where you live you shit, don’t think I won’t drive to your house and take a dump on your doorstep.

Still, today was decent energywise. I didn’t nod off in the morning while waiting for the next truck to work on, which happened a lot on regular doses of lithium and zoloft. Still in a rather bad mood though it improved through the day and I was capable of making several lighter jokes before lunch. Still gonna beat the shit out of my partner for being a lazy fuckface, but we still managed to get out on time, so I’ll deal with my personal issues with this particular human in the privacy of my house alone.

Still blindingly mad at the landlord. Still considering lobbing a brick through his window.

UPDATE: So I’m gonna take care of this stupid garbage on my own, I have an uncle who’s willing to come down and poke at a bunch of tangled wires for me.

I had assumed that my landlord was planning on secretly evicting me after I got a text a few hours later that said, cryptically

“Saved, thank you”

Which I figured was code for “I have located your angry blog post on the internet/am aware that you are displeased and I am now looking for ways of removing you from your apartment” so for like a solid two hours I was in full panic mode thinking I was gonna be homeless until he finally texted me saying he hadn’t meant to send me that.

I’m still wondering if he’s trying to get rid of me though.

The Ups and Downs of Bipolar

Stopped taking latuda, lithium and zoloft cold turkey. Have not had Latuda for a week now, no lithium for two days, no zoloft for two days.

To be honest, the latuda was stopped because my insurance has decided that I really don’t need to get my shit at the pharmacy and I can just order my fucking latuda through the mail so consider this an experiment and also a go fuck yourself to my insurance.

Moving on, I’ve already noticed a massive change in my mood and energy levels. Sleep hasn’t been as necessary, though I haven’t been able to stop taking my ambien. Unfortunately, just stopping that cold turkey has caused a great deal of really bad nightmares and terrible sleep, so I’ve just had to give up on that.

I’ve also needed less food, though before anyone shits their pants, I’m 180 lbs and 5’2″ so it’s not like I’m going to die. My craving for ice cream, pizza and mountain dew is still firmly intact.

However, my urge to abscond to the gym and cross train has grown and I’m very sore. It does however help ease the odd anxiety and tension I keep feeling build up, as well as ease my temper, which has been flaring up a lot as well. I haven’t felt the urge to intentionally start any fights, though I had no issue with telling a coworker that he was full of horseshit, and also informed him that he needed to do his fucking job and stop vanishing to flirt with his eighteen thousand boyfriends. We have work to do and I want to get home on time, I ain’t got time for him to whisk himself off to the bathroom for a three year long dump.

I also have more energy to keep the apartment clean, and I’ll try to remember to take all the cans to the store tomorrow to recycle.

Paranoia is building though, and I can’t say I blame myself. Still feels like I’m being watched, woke up a few nights convinced someone was sneaking into my apartment. I feel like there’s someone in the door staring at me most days, especially when I’m in my bedroom, and when I drive it’s hard not to keep looking into the rear view mirror to make sure no one is following me.

It also feels like people talk about me at work without me knowing. And that maybe everyone wants me to fail or die or vanish or something. Found mild magical thinking in the form of moving my nine ringed jade sword into the northern corner of the house but that might just be me being a moron.

Have also noticed a growing obsession with germs. Nothing too major as I still apparently don’t give enough shits about it to not pick at scabs, my arms, burns or cuts, but enough so that every little itch and mild discomfort has me starting to wonder if I’m getting sick/am infected with something. Cat scratch on my left jaw is very itchy, as well as the scratch under my left ear. I’m not sure what catscratch fever starts with, but I do know I’ve googled what stomach/colon cancer symptoms and tape worm infestation symptoms look like. The doctor said I don’t have either of these issues but honestly the doctor doesn’t have my stomach.

Will update if anything fucking happens outside of this.