Tears

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Cried at work in front of my boss because I fucked up a job for the sixteen millionth time. I don’t think I’ve ever had a boss do a 180 from scolding to bad jokes to try and make me laugh. Being the only girl on second shift has its perks… in a really shitty way. I tried to make jokes about it for the rest of the day but I still felt pretty shitty.

There is no crying in welding.

I’ve spent most of my evening listening to prosperity and success meditations, and today I started a hand written journal of my fuck ups and my good days. Just to keep track of the difference between the two and try to weed out the bad days. Maybe if I put my life in perspective like that, things won’t seem as dire. No one really made a big deal out of the messed up parts, and everyone told me it happens and I need to relax.

Taking half a pill of Ambien at night, been doing it for almost two weeks. The transition (supported by my doctor) to a lower dose of Ambien would be a lot easier if this roofing shit wasn’t happening. I woke up to the sound of pneumatic tools and nail guns, and I was pretty close to climbing out of my bed to try and scream at everyone outside my window. But that leak needs to go away, and the roofers are pretty nice guys, so I just jammed a pillow over my head and tossed and turned until it was time to take the dog out and feed the cats.

Potato the kitten is obsessed with food right now, and keeps trying to steal it from the other animals and me despite me filling her bowl up to the top. She won’t even finish her food, she’s too busy trying to steal everyone elses. I lose my temper at her sometimes and it makes me upset to think that I even get angry at her. I really need to work on getting more sleep and straightening things out at work.

Still, I’ve had more clarity these past few days thanks to the drug increase than I have for a few months now, I’d like to think. I’m still seeing shadows in the corners of my vision at work, but at this point, it’s fewer and further between, and when it does happens I feel less alarmed and more just bored of them. Maybe it’s a depressive downturn, I’ve just been feeling terribly apathetic the past week. Then again, nothing (other than the election) really big has happened to either elate me or depress me, and I still don’t feel like I’m too fucked up about American politics right now.

I’m going to try and make it a habit of doing something before I leave for work to wake me up, whether it be a walk, or some drawing. No video games or computer stuff, that tends to just dull me. I should probably start taking Abby for walks before work, some exercise might shake the cobwebs out of my brain before I leave for the shop, and it might result in less mistakes.

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Shit

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Violent downturn.

Last few days, I’ve been seeing shadows in the corners of my vision. Small, humped things, just moving right out of my range of sight. I thought it was just my cats until they followed me to my parents house. I could see them moving in the mirror in front of the bathroom door.

 

I never feel alone.

Its like something is standing behind me just watching me, all the time. In the shower, at work, in the car, even while I sit and relax in my house. I’m afraid to ask my landlord to repair my lock because I’m worried he’ll demand more money from me, or ask why I’ve been paying my bill mid month rather than the beginning. I know what the thing that lives in my house looks like too. I saw it when I first moved in, I forget if I mentioned it before.

 

It’s all black, sort of 2 dimensional and shapeless. Its eyes are white with just a dot in the center for a pupil, and I remember it had straight, white, flat teeth. It said hello before it vanished, and it feels like this is the thing that’s watching me. I can feel something at work watching me too, I can see things moving behind me in the reflection of my helmet lens and my goggles. I feel like people have been actively trying to sabotage me, which has been mostly proven true after my boss and I found that the robot I work on was rigged to weld on its own fixtures, and that the first shift employee that works there has been hiding parts, tools and papers on me.

I feel like I really want to hurt him. Since it’s his fault that I almost destroyed a fixture and couldn’t complete work, and that now I have to be moved to a new area so I can actually get work done without him sticking his fucking penis in it because he’s a fuck headed dick stick who deserves to be hit by a plane.

I haven’t drank until I’m drunk for 2 years, and the same goes for popping sleep pills, but I really want to, even if the Christian Brothers I have in the house tastes like bad decisions and liquified ass. I’m getting internet drama over a roleplay scenario that hasn’t even fully happened yet, everyone around me is acting like a child, my cats smashed a jar of happy childhood memories yesterday while I was in the shower, as well as smashed a rose lamp that I had, and I feel like everything is crumbling around me and breaking.

I’m 215 dollars shy of being up to date on my car payments, i’m always behind on fucking insurance because of the fact i was a drugged up assfuck and smashed my car and got speeding tickets so many times that my agency has shot my bill up to 265 dollars a month because i guess when you’re a fucked up mental case who cant hold a job youre swimming in money.

i kind of just want to vanish into the house. there’s a leak in the ceiling and it looks like someone set a giant coffee mug down on my roof and left it there and im scared to ask the landlord to fix that too because hell just ask for money i dont have.

The First Day

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Very sluggish this morning, nodded off several times while waiting for trucks to get to my part of the line. I held back on too much caffeine today, mostly water and sparkling water. Couldn’t help but binge on greasy food though. A pox upon me, I guess.

General apathy overall, though I welcome it more than raw emotional turmoil and losing my shit at everyone who breathes incorrectly. No one seemed to mind too much that I’d missed a days work yesterday, and I did have the foresight to call in in the middle of my panic.

House needs cleaning again, odd smell in it that I’m not fond of. I should be trying to get to sleep earlier but sleep is something I’ve never enjoyed attempting to get, and for some reason I sleep better in midday than midnight. I say this with the full knowledge that while I fall asleep faster while the sun is up, I have a billion more nightmares due to the lack of ambien in my system.

No dreams that I remember to report on, which I vastly prefer. Even if it’s because I’m too heavily rugged to recall it, I’d rather not remember whatever horror show my brain decides to play for me. I recall one recent night I tried to sleep without ambien, and I was treated to a forest of shuffling, moaning, giant faceless beings, chanting together in a monotone voice. I watched two women be impaled on silver spikes, so that the tips shot from their necks and mouths. It was grainy and gray, like a bad webcam, or a really shitty old movie, but all that matters was I woke up mortified. Rather, I had to wake up several times, as I couldn’t tell when I was awake or not. Sometimes I’d stumble out of bed to find something scraping at my apartment door, trying to get in, other times I’d wake and see something shuffling outside my bedroom window, staring at me with beady, white eyes.

The sense of being watched keeps growing. I kept whirling around at work to face someone that was never there, because I was so sure someone was walking up behind me. A hoist beam would move and momentarily block out the light, and I’d assume one of my bigger partners was looming over me.

Hopefully some sleep and the usual dose of medications will help.

Hope to write more tomorrow.

Windows has Crashed

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And by the end of the day, my mood has hit rock bottom. All my energy is gone, frankly I feel accomplished just to have put away the spaghetti I took out to eat this afternoon. I feel like going back to bed, honestly, and the only reason I haven’t is because I 100% intend on going right back to work tomorrow and I can’t do that if I wake up at 1 am full of the desire to drink eight bottles of beer and cry for an hour.

I’d say my lesson has been learned but I’m not entirely sure I won’t do this again either intentionally or by accident simply due to the fact that I know what kind of person I am.

At the very least I spent the better part of this day being snuggled by a four week old kitten and a very fluffy chihuahua/pom mix.

It kind of feels like some emotional mosquito the size of a jumbo jet landed on me and sucked all the feelings out of me now and I’m stuck between hideous gross self loathing and complete and total apathy. I should take a shower and wash off the stench of shame, failure and cat hair, and I probably will in about an hour or so.

But for the moment all I want to do is lay in bed and drink this Dr. Pepper and plan on how I’m going to improve my day tomorrow. I hate not being at work. I really should have just driven in panicking and worked through it, nothing really soothes me as much as beating the shit out of a piece of metal.

Well then

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It may be time to end the experiment sooner than I thought. Turns out when you suffer a panic attack before work and have to call in, mixed with sleeping like the dead for sixteen hours straight, that’s a pretty decent sign that it may be time to medicate again. I still don’t have latuda, and I’m still super leery about getting it through the mail because I don’t trust humans and even though I’m like 90% sure you can’t get high off of it, I don’t want some dude I don’t know who’s not a pharmacist with his hands on my pills.

Tonight it’ll be back to the Lithium and zoloft as usual. Maybe then when I wake up in the morning I won’t feel compelled to lay paralyzed by fear in bed about moving around my house.

Also had several dreams about being infested by fleas and parasites, beats the hell out of me what that means.